da grammys.

man i really need to liveblog these next year. so, so many cringeworthy moments.

like right now, jamie foxx is singing “blame it on the alcohol,” but the performance began with some kind of greek-ish opera and was introduced by robert downey, who came on stage to keane’s “somewhere only we know.” oh, and jamie foxx is wearing a confederate soldier’s uniform. i know…WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!? this can’t be real life, right?

oh wait. what LOOKED like a conductor in a white suit with crazy blonde hair turned out to be t-pain. t-pain, you trickster, you!!! and now there’s some other well-dressed rapper on stage too, and the crowd is going absolutely wild!!! i have no idea who he is, but i guess hes preeeeeetty famous because the people in the building are LOVING IT.

and slash has taken the stage. yes, we’re still talking about the same song.

sadly, i missed the first hour or so, so i missed what i’m sure was an EPIC performance by gaga. i’ve taken the time to list some of them. anyway, i’ve taken the liberty to list some of my favorite moments from tonight. you’re welcome.

  • katy perry saying that alice cooper is her fashion inspiration
  • pink swinging from the ceiling wrapped in a bedsheet, wearing nothing but pieces of tape (literally)
  • miley cyrus introducing the black eyed peas (could a worse thing exist ever?!)
  • fergie (and no one else in the room) giving kings of leon a standing o. sportsmanship!!!!
  • kings of leon talking about how drunk they are (you’ve really worn out that talking point, dudes.)
  • dmb loses to green day
  • mgmt being nominated for “best new artist” and actually being in the audience, even though they didn’t win. inexplicably, i could not stop laughing because it was like a terrible anachronism before my very eyes. it was so weird to see them at a public, mainstream event because i swear, those guys are aliens.

when are we, as a country, going to stop excusing taylor swift from being the worst singer alive?! i love her, but come on, america, i’m pretty sure she’s tone deaf. what is this version of “you belong with me”? it took a turn for the worst as soon as the first note was played on the banjo. and stevie nicks is playing a tambourine that was bought at the souvenir table at the renaissance festival.

i must say, though, i love the grammys because you get to hear lionel richie’s “all night long” and seal’s “kiss from a rose.”

OH WAIT…3D GLASSES ON, GUYS!!!!! BECAUSE EVERY AMERICAN HOUSEHOLD HAS A PAIR OF THOSE JUST LYING AROUND SO WE CAN WATCH A MICHAEL JACKSON TRIBUTE VIDEO THAT IS ALSO A TRIBUTE TO MOTHER NATURE.

celine dion, carrie underwood, jennifer hudson, usher, and smokey robinson. together. at last (???)

i’m sorry, but is there a monkey in the background while celine is singing?! oh yep, and butterflies and a child acting “whimsical” (?). this is the creepiest thing i have ever ever ever seen in my whole entire life. i just texted my friend: “i feel like i’m smoking hashish. this can’t be real.” his response: “who is the hideous haircut blackwoman?”

THE AUDIENCE IS WEARING 3D GLASSES!!!! THE AUDIENCE IS WEARING 3D GLASSES!!!!

i’m emotionally drained. i’ve exhausted every ounce of brain power in my very being trying to rationalize everything that i just witnessed. to everyone that was watching: i think we, as a collective body, are all closer because of this. but i’m kinda mad i wasted that mind explosion graphic up there. sorry, guys. i just didn’t know.

so i guess this kinda turned into a live blog. i’m stopping now, though. i have nothing left to give.

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~ by CJL on January 31, 2010.

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